how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
