I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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