I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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