Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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