They should really pass out barf bags in church
time to smoke my breakfast
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
