Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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