Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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