I could have mohawked her pubes.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
