Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
