girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
