Only a mothe r could love this liver
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
