I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
