her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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