I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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