I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
