In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
