alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
