Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
