I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
