I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
