What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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