I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
