somebody snuck up and got me drunk
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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