i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
two words: eviction party
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
