Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
