the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
