How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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