The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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