I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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