just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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