You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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