he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
please come you make the beer taste better
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
