when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
