Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
