im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
