I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
