my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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