Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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