porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
