GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
