Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
