I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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