Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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