Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
