Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
