i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
