Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
