By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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