You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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