I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
